Parents often find themselves in the heat of the moment and lose their temper, yelling at their kids. It's a common occurrence that many parents can relate to. But is it the best way to handle a situation? Clinical psychologist Laura Markham and adolescent psychologist Barbara Greenberg shed light on this issue and offer valuable insights on how to parent without raising your voice.

Discover the Three Pillars of Parenting Without Yelling

Understand that Yelling Can Cause Long-Term Damage

Research shows that the effects of yelling can be more detrimental than hitting kids. A study from the University of Pittsburgh found that maternal verbal aggression was associated with social problems and a negative self-perception in middle school kids. Another study indicated that harsh verbal discipline during adolescence led to behavioral problems and depressive symptoms. Kids form internal scripts that stay with them throughout their lives, and the impact of being yelled at can be negative. Markham emphasizes that while yelling may be effective in the moment through fear, it doesn't help kids develop their prefrontal cortex, which is crucial for attention, inhibition, and emotion management. Kids whose parents don't yell perform better in various aspects, feeling closer to their parents and being more willing to open up. In contrast, kids with yelling parents are more likely to be anxious or depressed in their teen years.

Take a Parental Time-Out

Greenberg suggests that parents take a pause and think about the situation, even if it means leaving the room to regroup. This parental time-out is beneficial for both parents and kids. It allows parents to calm down and reduces activation and arousal. Many parents may not even realize they are yelling until they see their kids' stricken expressions. At that point, they often feel ashamed and may double down on yelling. Instead, it's important to stop immediately and model self-regulation. Taking a deep breath, shutting the mouth, and turning away gives the body a signal to exit fight-or-flight mode. By allowing oneself to feel the underlying emotions, such as the fear of failing as a parent, one can choose to shift the energy and become a calmer, wiser parent.

Connect and Redirect

After calming down, it's time to connect with the child by apologizing for raising the voice. Markham advises, "You just go in and make the repair. 'But I am serious, we need to go now.'" She also points out that when a child has an agitated nervous system, they don't learn well. Therefore, it's essential to return to safety and connection before teaching. Harvard University's Center on the Developing Child found that exposure to circumstances that cause persistent fear and anxiety can interfere with a child's long-term learning and development. Once calm, one can have a conversation like, "Wow, that didn't feel good to be 10 minutes late. They were pretty mad at us because it messed up everything in the dentist office. I was embarrassed to be 10 minutes late. I wonder what we could do next time so that doesn't happen?" This allows the child to contribute ideas and creates a good learning environment.