Unraveling the Mysteries of Social Situations

Electric Car at a Birthday Party

Dear Miss Manners, I once visited a family for their child's birthday party. It was my first time at their home, and I was keen on maintaining politeness. I drive an electric car, and to my delight, their home had two charging ports clearly visible and unoccupied. The thought of plugging in my vehicle crossed my mind. However, asking permission from a busy hostess seemed intrusive. After all, in a similar situation, I would have been more than happy to have someone charge at my home. Even with a four-hour charge at high electricity prices, it would only cost around $10, which I would have gladly included in the party expenses. But the question remains: May I help myself?

Miss Manners replied that the prominently visible charging station is a convenience for the homeowner and a temptation for guests, not an invitation. The polite thing to do when visiting someone's home, whether it's the first time or the 50th, is to ask for permission. She believes that one can find a quiet moment to do so if a top-off is necessary.

Funeral of a Peripheral Friend

About 25 years ago, I was part of a "moms of preschoolers" group. I knew some women better than others but considered them all part of my larger friend group. As our kids grew up, we stayed in touch to some extent and formed smaller groups. However, during the pandemic, these groups broke up, and I haven't seen most of these women since 2020. One of the women passed away. She wasn't a close friend, but I remembered her fondly and was saddened by her death.

I planned to attend her funeral and replied to a group email from one of her close friends asking about bringing food. Instead, I received a lecture from the sender about how the woman's husband (who was always a difficult person) had said that only two people from the moms' group visited his wife when she was sick, making it seem like no one cared. If I had known she was sick, I would have cared. After hearing this, I felt awkward and didn't go to the funeral.

Miss Manners explained that ghouls are associated with graveyards, and neither the intent in going to the funeral nor the behavior would support such an accusation. If the reason for not going was the fear of the husband's statement and past behavior causing a scene, it was a reasonable decision. But his statement sounds like the bitter, thoughtless comment of a new widower and should be overlooked. It would have been better to go and show him he was wrong. However, one can still write a condolence letter.