In my childhood, I never imagined that I would end up at 66 in the situation I'm in now. No man. No money. I once tried to buy love, and now, as I reach pensionable age, I'm broke and single.

Uncovering the Illusion of Buying Love

Childhood Insecurities and the First Taste of Love

In my childhood, I was desperately insecure around boys. I was small and looked very young for my age. All the boys in school went for the girls with big tits, while mine wouldn't have filled a couple of eye baths. I was always on the sidelines, never getting the attention I craved. Then, a teacher showed me attention when I was just sixteen. I was naive and insecure, and I thought it was love. This started a seven-year relationship that would impact my life in ways I never could have imagined. Now, we call it grooming, but back then, I was just a kid.This early experience set a pattern that I would struggle to break for years to come. It made me believe that love could be bought with attention and affection. But as I grew older, I realized that this was not the case.

Working Life and the Pursuit of Love through Money

In my working life, there was very little interest in me until I met Carl at 29. He was living with his girlfriend but said he wasn't happy. We were both writers for national newspapers and met at a TV party. He was besotted with me, and I was flattered. But there were red flags from the start. Every morning, he would call me to read through his columns. He once even dragged me out of bed when I had tonsillitis to read his job application. We split all our bar and restaurant bills, and I furnished a flat for him with no financial contribution from him. When the relationship ended, I was left with the exorbitant rent.After that, I started seeing my Primrose Hill dentist, Phil. He was constantly complaining about his ex-wife and kids bleeding him dry, so I bought him meal after meal in expensive restaurants in the hope of cheering him up. I also bought him a £200 electronic chess set for his birthday and paid for a trip for his kids. But in the end, it didn't work out. He said he had come out in a facial rash and ended the relationship.At 39, I started seeing John. Within weeks, he asked me to lend him money because he didn't want to go overdrawn on his French bank account. Over the course of five months, I lent him close to £4,000 on an overdraft I had taken out. Eventually, I got the money back by writing about the perils of lending money to men.I spent a fortune on these men, buying them trips, lunches, and dinners. But my generosity was never reciprocated. For my 30th birthday, Carl bought me a china duck jug, which I found disappointing. John bought me the single of Mambo Number Five, expecting praise. These experiences made me realize that money couldn't buy me the love I truly wanted.

The Dominating Reason and the Best Relationship

I have no doubt that the early experience with the teacher is the dominating reason for my subsequent failures. I was groomed, and I felt unworthy of having anything but crumbs in subsequent relationships. I deserved nothing more. This guilt has stayed with me for years, and I may have been punishing myself ever since.Some women use sex to "buy" men, and others use money, but in the end, the men still leave. However, the best relationship I ever had was with an ex-lecturer from university. He brought me the first conkers of autumn because he knew I loved the season. When he had to go to my flat to get my passport, he put a fluffy dinosaur I had won at Barry Island funfair under the duvet. These gestures meant more to me than any amount of money.I have also been shown extreme generosity by male friends, so I'm not saying that all men are money-grabbing selfish monsters. Just most of the ones I've hooked up with.